So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
