I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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