i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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