I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
