The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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