Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
