My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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