I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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