I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
