I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
