woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize