His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize