Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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