I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
