News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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