She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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