Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
