I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
