Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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