did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
