Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
