how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
