I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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