Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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