she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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