The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
