i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
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