I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
