Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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