tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
