I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize