oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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