just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my being single is dangerous.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
