I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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