Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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