Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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