I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
