Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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