I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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