my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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