I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
