Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
