Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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