I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
