Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm bleeding and have questions
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
