R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
