why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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