normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
