She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
God gave him joint rollers for hands
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
