Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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