Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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