Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
