if you like me you must not know who I am
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
