You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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