the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize